My I

 I remember when I was 9 years old, I thought about "who I am" for the very first time.. I was in the toilet, taking my sweet sweet time thinking about various things people can think about in the toilet.. we didn't have mobile phones then.. we only had one mobile which was used for calling purposes for everyone.. so there was no chance of taking your mobile to poo.. 

there I was thinking about life and death.. that people die and it all ends somehow... and our lives will end too.. my parents, my loved ones, my friends, includinging me, we all will die one day.. and it seemed impossible, weird, because it seemed not normal.. then came to mind the thought, what happens when I die.. 

I got scared.. because somehow I felt attached to my inner self.. I didn't know what it was.. I just knew that was "I" that I talk with.. whenever I fight with friends, I give my "I" the excuses why I was right.. and then when I feel happy or sad or think or do anything, my "I" is there.. I couldn't think of a time when my "I" wasn't there.. 

I prayed to god, that no matter what happens, my "I" should be alive.. I don't want money, power, or body for that matter, but I want my "I" to live, and to stay forever.. 

Subsequently, I watched the show Krishna by Ramanand Sagar, and learned that people die, and they are born again, maybe as humans or animals, or whatever.. I felt relief.. that I would at least be alive again after death.. but the question was the same.. i wanted my "I" to be alive.. but somehow it felt unlikely.. bcz-

If the serial is telling the truth, then I must have been born before, but I don't have any recollection of my past lives, and my "I" is based on my this life.. and if I die, and remember past lives, then my "I" will change, it will not be this "I".. because then I wouldn't feel the love I feel for my mom and friends, and my favorite tv shows.. everything will be diluted.. because i would have many mothers, and fathers, and friends, and houses, and I don't want that.. I only want this life to stay forever... 

and the worst was if I were to be born again, then I would have new unknown people like my parents... no.. I don't want that too.. I want to live forever with my mom... 

The good news is, I am still the same.. I want to live this life with my mom.. and the bad news is I still don't know the answer.. 

but the thing that amuses me the most is that how could a child so young cant think so much?? it was weird, how could i think that much in that young age..?? but i never shared those things with anyone.. and it is weird, how i have perceived so many things in such an young age.. 

i have come to the realisation that maybe we aren't suppose to know, we aren't suppose to know what happens to us after death.. and only if we are going to know, that is by only doing... simply doing so many things, that makes us happy, and to explore new paths and things.. maybe one day we will reach somewhere, where our "I" can live forever, or it may die but it will not matter anymore.. 

maybe..